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Saturday, June 13th, 2009
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you deserve better, really
i think we both know what this means
where are you?
you've dropped off the face of the earth
no trace of you left
possibilities running through my mind
i love you
come back
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my godfather, my uncle, my hero, my only reason for keeping in contact with dad's side of the family except for grandma, Russ Unertl
you win the grand prize of weeks, at best, left to live
bring it on
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what happened to the me that wasn't afraid to make promises?
yeah, you're not the only one asking this.
i ask myself it everyday.
and maybe i came up with an answer.
it's not legit.
but it's an answer.
all my life, promises were broken.
it just became natural for me to not like promises.
if you catch me saying "i promise"
just know then it's probably a lie.
because i will in some way manage to fuck shit up
and break those promises.
and i'm sorry for that.
i'm sorry i can be such a downer.
the bottomless pit of hopelessness.
uncle russ/my god-father has 6 months to live
in cancer terms, this means probably only 2 months
i've lived through this before
i know
but this time it'll be different
because i wont let him slip away without getting to say goodbye properly
and not just when he's laying in a casket, with all hope gone
no
starting tonight i'm doing that
because i love him
please pray for him
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Thursday, April 30th, 2009
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owl city
is beautiful
the words are words i need to say
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time
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yeah, maybe i pushed you away
maybe i decided today was the day
the day to push you away
so i could run away
and find myself again
hidden beneath my lies
define what makes up my life
slowly watch as the tear stains dry
forgive myself and give up the fight
surrender myself to what i know is right
fight the fight
life your life
but dont fight your life
or your life will die
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Saturday, March 28th, 2009
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maybe on this journey to find myself
i lost who i honestly was
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Thursday, March 5th, 2009
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i can't say how i fell because that would mean admitting to myself things i'm too scared to confront inside my heart.
i love you, yes.
i care for you more than anyone in the world, except that 3 year old who will always own my heart first.
i know you care as well.
so why can't i just say what i want to?
you're everything i want.
you're everything i need.
you're the negatives to my positives and the other way around.
you are my soulmate.
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that week we spent together
just us, no distractions, alone
made me realize how easy it would be just to run away
leave behind everyone and everything here
but i'd miss them so i'd come back
but only if you would too
if i could, i'd run
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Thursday, February 12th, 2009
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maybe i wanted to see how much it hurt
or maybe i really wanted you to notice, care, and tell me to stop, things will be okay
maybe
maybe not
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
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it's like the second i get him back
and we're happy just being US together
something happens
and he's taken away
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Sunday, January 18th, 2009
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i think his mistakes made ME realize who i supremely love in life.
i can't wait to go to michigan when it's warmer, sweatshirt weather, and it'll be perfect.
Day 17 in Self Bettering.
Day 44 in Self Destruction.
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Friday, January 16th, 2009
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tonight me and sam opened up to eachother
and in a way, we're a lot more alike than we thought we were
i believe your true soulmate doesnt have to be your lover
it can simply be a friend you meet along the road of life
and sam, i believe, is my soulmate
she gets the things that happened in my childhood, because in a way she lived them too
it's incredible
and him, dang he makes me smile so damn hard and he doesnt even try
maybe he realized what i'm really worth...
Day 15 in Self Bettering.
Day 42 in Self Destruction.
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Thursday, January 15th, 2009
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I wish to always be your life preserver.
Day 14 in Self Bettering.
Day 41 in Self Destruction.
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Monday, January 12th, 2009
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self-de⋅struc⋅tion /ˈsɛlf dɪˈstrʌkʃən, ˌsɛlf-/ [self-di-struhk-shuhn, self-]
–noun | 1. | the destruction or ruination of oneself or one's life. |
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Thursday, January 8th, 2009
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you probably think i'm too blinded by my own "problems" to notice y ours
but i see yours, crystal clear
i just dont say anything
because i know you wouldn't want to talk about it
like always
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Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
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i only stared at you for so long
because it was the first time
in a very long time
that i could look you in the eyes
and you'd be looking right back at me
you make my heart jump
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Monday, January 5th, 2009
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Sunday, January 4th, 2009
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it wasn't anything special that was said
but it was something said
and that's really all that was needed
to make me lose my breath
my heart skip a beat
the the bats in my stomach to fly into my ribcage over and over
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everyday, for a year, i will try to make it my goal to write one letter a day
to whomever i believe deserves that letter that day
and i wont send these letters
they'll be for only me
until one day...
i think it might really help me
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Friday, January 2nd, 2009
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in the last 56 hours, i've slept around 3
i really love the feeling of:
cool sheets on bare feet
cool pillow on my head
warm puppy curled up in the nook of my arm
waking up and actually staying awake
i want this forever
deep down, where my true feelings are, yakno, the ones not suppressed by the bouncing ball they call Zoloft, well down there i'm still sad
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idlike2diealone's journal